All I do is wine, wine, wine no matter what.

Not a typo. Not whining. Wine-ing. Like winning, but with wine. It’s a thing.

Example 1: After completing a 10-mile autumn hike to some mountain lakes, I encountered a couple in their mid-40’s sitting on a bench having an adult picnic of turkey+ cheese Lunchables and plastic cups of wine. So f***in classy. I looked at them and thought to myself, well damn, if that isn’t what I aspire to be one day…

Example 2: Boxed wine! The most genius invention ever. And no, I’m not talking about Franzia. Again, wine is supposed to be classy, so you have got to step it up off the bottom shelf post-college. Boxed wine is sort of like that parable of Jesus with the wine and the fish and the bread, where he fed and watered two shit tons of people. A box of wine, while on the more watery side (which solidifies the parable, turning water into wine or whatever), is the equivalent of of three bottles, which means it is a) more economical, and b) perfect for when you want to be cheap but provide drinks for many people. In fact, I don’t think the Jesus thing was a miracle so much as the invention of boxed wine, which is better. ALSO, a box of wine actually comes inside a giant (and sturdy) bag/pouch inside a box, which means it can go where no bottle can go, including, but not limited to: the beach, music festivals, or on backpacking trip to hot springs…  which are three places I have recently taken boxed wine. Hell, you can even stick a straw in it and voila- adult Capri Sun. Overall, my rating of boxed wine would be: yes. It’s a win-win-win.

Example 3: Quantity. Sure, most people measure their wine-consumption in glasses. I prefer to measure it in bottles. Nonchalantly, of course. As long as I leave a little sip in the bottle, I usually opt for, “Yea, I had some wine last night”, or I vaguely allude to how many people were sharing the bottle when in reality, it is usually just me. Because what’s classier than red-wine stained lips and alcohol-fueled writing? Rhetorical question. Nothing is classier. This is actually the classiest post you will ever read from me, and that’s only because I say the word “wine” so many times (disregard the number of times I say “boxed” in front of it).

Urban Dictionary, feel free to use my examples. Wine-ing. Look it up. (Just kidding, don’t…not yet at least.)